If I invite myself, was I ever really wanted?

The other week I went to a kid’s birthday party, which is something my loved ones questioned, knowing how sensitive I can be around my relatives.

I decided to ignore them and go anyway. I told myself I’d be fine with it all.

So I brace, paint on a smile and go. At the party, I bumped into a distant relative who randomly says I can come over to their house anytime. It came up a few times from various people that day. And each time, I felt confused. I struggled to take the offers seriously. Because in my eyes, there was no real relationship there, just the kind that exists out of obligation. No check-ins, no phone calls, not even the superficial text exchanges from either side.

When you have a secure relationship with someone, there’s an unspoken understanding. You know you don’t need permission, and you know you’re genuinely welcome anytime. But outside of that, the words feel empty, and I need something concrete.

And as someone whose not had stability in relationships, has not received secure, safe care and love from anyone in their life, including their parents. I don’t like how it puts the responsibility on me, to invite myself into your home.

It turns it into whether I want to see you, not whether you want to see me.

I’m the only one here taking the real risk here. Because now, not only am I pushing myself into a space where I already feel like I wasn’t really wanted. But I have also opened myself up for all sorts of things that can go wrong.

An act that feels like nothing to some, is a serious act of bravery for someone like me, who has grown up with constant rejection, again and again and again.

If I do reach out, the offer could later be rescinded. Or, the frequency in which they really want to see you is more like once a year, not once a month. Or when you suggest dates, they keep saying “that doesn’t work for me” and don’t offer any alternatives (true story) – it’s as though they didn’t really want to see me.

If I have to invite myself, was I ever really wanted?