The critic

I have this very old voice in my head, let’s call this voice the critic. It constantly scans for evidence from people to validate, “See, you’re not good enough.” And because of this, I am constantly on edge.

But it’s important to say that I was not the first person to implant this voice in my head. It’s not my voice. I wasn’t born thinking like this. I was just around people who made me feel like this.

And it’s a really hard one to get rid of, especially if you had it from a young age, like me. And so you’re left with all the work to reverse it. And so ordinarily, the last thing you want is any evidence that feeds into it.

And this past week, just when you thought that there wouldn’t be anything that feeds into the critic…

Like, it can’t get any worse, can it? Apparently, it can.

It started with a work performance review. I was hounded with question after question. What had I done to prove myself? Why hadn’t I done this? Why haven’t I done that?

It started to feel like I was showing people exactly what I was afraid that people would see:

That I’m not good enough.

I then received feedback from a colleague. They thought I wasn’t doing a good enough job at the core, bread-and-butter part of the job. And once again, my brain took it and ran with it.

See? You’re shit at your job.

And then there was a work meeting where I watched people’s names being called out for excellent work. One person after another being recognised. I felt a knife twist in my chest each time.

See? You’re not as good as these people. And you aren’t someone to be celebrated.

And then, just to top it all off, I’m applying for jobs. And part of that involves convincing other people that I’m worth hiring.

But I’m sitting here questioning: what do I actually have to show for it?

How am I supposed to convince someone that I’m good enough for a new job? When I don’t believe I’m good enough at the job I already have?

All of these things were landing on something that was already there within me. That old wound. Where I already felt like a failure. Where I didn’t feel enough. I didn’t feel like I mattered.

And now I’m finding myself trying to prove that I’m not a failure. But the more I try, I’m actually reinforcing it.