If I invite myself, was I ever really wanted?

The other week I went to a kid’s birthday party, which is something my loved ones always question, knowing how sensitive I can be to feeling like I don’t matter. Especially around my relatives.

I decided to ignore them and go anyway, telling myself I’d be fine with it all. But the real reason why I pushed myself to go was that I don’t end up being struck off the guest list permanently. I’m afraid that me not going to an event would register in the invitee’s mind to don’t invite her, she will not turn up anyway, or worse they make the choice for me. I can’t handle feeling that I’m don’t belong.

So I brace, paint a smile and go. At the party, I bump into a distant relative who randomly says I can come over to their house anytime. It came up a few times from various people. And each time, I felt confused. I struggled to take the offer seriously. Because in my eyes, there was no real relationship there, just the kind that exists out of obligation. No check-ins, no phone calls, not even superficial text exchanges from either side.

And as someone who hasn’t received love or care in their life and don’t trust people easily, I don’t like how it puts the responsibility on me to invite myself into your home. It turns it into whether I want to see you, not whether you want to see me.

I’m the only one here taking the risk. Because now I’m pushing myself into a space where I already feel unwanted. And all sorts of things can go wrong, for e.g. the offer is now rescinded, they only want you over once a year not once a month, they keep deffering to a later date or time. This same act that maybe nothing to someone, feels like an act of bravery for me, where my roots are that I don’t matter and now I’m being hit with it again and again and again. It invites more opportunity of rejection. It’s unfair to place that burden on them. Even the act of initiating it is terrifying, with that loud voice in my head saying they don’t really want you, they’re just being polite. If I have to invite myself, was I ever really wanted?

But when you have a secure relationship with someone, there’s an unspoken understanding. You don’t need permission, and you know you’re genuinely welcome anytime. Outside of that, the words feel empty, and I need something concrete.

I need to know that I am actually wanted.