It means you don’t matter. That’s what it feels like.
I want you to remember a time when you felt like you did not matter. You as a person, you as a soul.
Perhaps you get that sinking feeling your stomach – like you’re falling.
Now, take those thoughts and feelings and disproportionately multiply that by a gazillion.
And you should be roughly about where I’m at – emotionally.
In other words, you’re no longer here. You are no longer you.
I’ve experienced exlcusion more times than I want to count. From people taking measures to cut me out or hide from me, and to many times where I’ve created my own exclusion.
A lifetime of exclusion, rejection, abandonment, and being the last thing on people’s mind and hearts – has shaped me. And what I’ve learned from all of this and after many years is –
I know what it’s like to be truly lonely, I know what it’s like to be unworthy. I know what it’s like question your existence in this life.
Looking back to childhood though, I didn’t create that environment. Children aren’t born bad or unworthy. And I was no exception to that rule. I didn’t choose rejection, I didn’t create it. I was just a child who found herself in a world where exclusion was already there and it just kept on being reinforced.
And worst of all – I perceived it as there must be something wrong with me.
And that’s why I get myself excluded, because it’s so familiar. I know no different. Why would I? If a child believes they are so unworthy, they’re so unloved, so unseen. Why wouldn’t they?
I can’t tell you how painful it is when the moment hits you so fast –
It strikes me in less than a second. All of a sudden, time is distorted. I’m unaware of my surroundings, my heart starts beating irregularly.
The only way I can explain it is that, in that instant, I step outside my body because it’s too painful to stay inside it. I try my best to numb myself, to squash it down. I’d rather not be here than feel the pain of being reminded how unworthy I already am…
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