I cancelled my therapy session for the first time.
Lately, it’s felt like the therapist doesn’t really understand me. Most of our sessions get consumed by her talking about our relationship rather than the immediate, things I’m struggling with. She keeps saying, “You’re pushing me away.” I’m tired of hearing it. I’m drowning in work stress, feeling unworthy, and constantly like I’m being taken advantage of — and instead of addressing that, I’m being told I’m “pushing her away.”
Which leads me to the next thing I can’t seem to let go of: work. I don’t just struggle with it — I genuinely feel like I can’t handle it. It feels like they’re being lazy and using me, like I’m just their admin assistant.
I’ve been told I should take time off sick. But that idea, losing control like that – scares me. I don’t know how to let go. Any time a session or task I’m leading gets derailed, I instantly feel like an idiot. On top of all that, I feel undervalued, like I’m being replaced. Other people have picked up my responsibilities, and it feels like they’ve quietly taken my role from me. My husband tells me to enjoy the free time, but maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I can’t — because deep down, I believe I’m unworthy. Replaceable. Like I’m like a delete button.
Now I’ve been invited to an engagement party – my cousin’s. And here’s the catch: my mother (let’s call her Reyha) will probably be there. I haven’t seen her in almost two years.
I don’t know what seeing her will do to me. That moment – just seeing her face – and everything that follows. I want to go. I just don’t want to see her. She doesn’t deserve to see me.
What I’m more scared of, though, is the extended family. The comments. The way they’ll trivialise everything and say things like, “Just get over it,” or, “Whatever happened, it’s in the past — just go talk to her.”
That kind of thing is almost more painful than seeing her. Because when people invalidate your pain like that, it makes you question yourself. Makes you wonder if you imagined it all.
Am I being ridiculous?
But I know I’m not. I question my own existence almost daily because of the two people who abused me. And I don’t know if I’ll ever know what love is supposed to feel like — because I’ve never received it until I met my husband.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wonder, Why am I even here?
At this point, I’m just racing toward death with the way I’m living.
And all it takes is that one line
“You’re being stubborn. Just go talk to her, your mum’s over there.”
One line. And everything in my inner world collapses.
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