Birthdays

Growing up, birthdays were the one day in my life that I believed I would recieve care, love and attention. Because that wasn’t what I was getting every other day in my life. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone, because as a child I very quickly learned that I did not matter to anyone at all.

So with this in mind, something that has stuck with me, and I have not been able to get out of my head, is an event that happened more than 6 months ago. So here I am to itch the itch, you know?

It was on a September evening after a wedding event. It was decided that a selected few relatives would come back to the bride’s mother’s house.

All the girls were cramped up in a small bedroom, some sitting down on the bed, some on the floor. One of them had young infant daughter, whom she was tending to.

“How old is she now?” I asked

“8 months,” she replied

Me noticing how fast the 1 year mark is approaching for her daughter,

“Will you be doing anything for her 1st year birthday?” I asked.

“No”, she creased her face, as if I asked a stupid question.

To which she creased her face as if I asked a stupid question “No” she replied. Maybe it was a stupid question I thought to myself .

“Yeah, I guess a 1-year-old would not even remember their birthday even if you did something for them” I quickly adjusted.

“Oh, I don’t understand why anyone would do anything for their birthday, like I hate doing stuff for my birthday, like I don’t get it”. One person randomly chimes in.

“Yeahhhhhhhhhh,” the mother with infant daughter face lit up as if her inner truth was spoken for by a priest.

The entire time a sinking feeling in my stomach upon hearing this flamboyant speech. It was hard not to feel like I’m supposed to be embarrassed and ashamed for thinking that birthdays mattered. I felt small.

When I hear people casually say they don’t care about birthdays, it’s probably because they don’t need a day to remind them that they matter. But I would do anytime to feel care even just for 1 day of the year.

But hey, maybe one day I’ll be able to be like them and say:
“I don’t care about my birthday”.