Birthdays

Growing up, birthdays were the one day in my life that I believed I would recieve care, love and attention. Because that wasn’t what I was getting every other day in my life. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone, because as a child I very quickly learned that I did not matter to anyone at all.

So with this in mind, something that has stuck with me, and I have not been able to get out of my head, is an event that happened more than 6 months ago. So here I am to itch the itch, you know?

It was on a September evening after a wedding event. It was decided that a selected few relatives would come back to the bride’s mother’s house.

All the girls were cramped up in a small bedroom, some sitting down on the bed, some on the floor. One of them had young infant daughter, whom she was tending to. I asked her, “how old is she now?” she replied “8 months”. Me noticing how fast the 1 year mark is approaching for her daughter, I asked “will you be doing anything for her 1st year birthday?” to which she creased her face as if I asked a stupid question “No” she replied. Maybe it was a stupid question I thought to myself “. Yeah, I guess a 1-year-old would not even remember their birthday even if you did something for them” I quickly adjusted.

“Oh, I don’t understand why anyone would do anything for their birthday, like I hate doing stuff for my birthday, like I don’t get it”, out of nowhere one person chimes in. I imagined that everyone who is sitting down is now suddenly on their feet. Clapping and for her and shaking her shoulders in agreement. “yeahhhhh” the relative’s face lit up as if her inner truth was spoken by a priest.

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach upon hearing this flamboyant speech. It was hard not to feel like I’m supposed to be embarrassed and ashamed for thinking that birthdays mattered. I felt small.

When I hear people casually say they don’t care about birthdays, it’s probably because they don’t need a day to remind them that they matter. But I would do ANYTHING to feel care even just for 1 day of the year.

But hey, maybe one day I’ll be able to be like them and say:
“I don’t care about my birthday”.